Not All Those Who Wander Are Lost

We need to talk.

She stares deep into my eyes. Her voice, somehow, emotionless. Her fists are clenched. I took a deep breath. Oh well, here we go again.

Yes?

You need to stop avoiding me. Stop pretending that I don’t exist. You know we’re going to have the talk. Again.

Yes. What now?

Answer me.

Answer what?

The same old question I asked over and over again. What the hell are you doing and where the hell are you going?

I don’t know.

I don’t take “I don’t know” for an answer.

Well, I do, not, know.

You need to know, Kid. You have to.

I can’t think of anything. There are images in my eyes, blurry, flashes, fragments. Everything. Pieces of fears, denials, goals, regrets, hopes, dreams. I can’t think of a better answer for her. I have no guts to stare her back in the eyes and argue back.

You’re lost?

Not all those who wander are lost.

Kid, you don’t even know if you are lost. That’s not good. Not good at all.

I am wandering.

You always been lost in your wanderlust. You’ve been wandering for too long.

I need it. I need the wandering.

You think you need it. You’re running in circles. Look at yourself.

I’m running toward something.

What?

You know it. I told you before.

What? The life you always wish for? The job you always aim at? The heart you always hope for? This is cliche, Kid. And we no longer can do cliche. We need to move.

And that’s what I’ve been doing, give me a break you witch. I know where I’m going.

And where is it?

I’m in pursuit.

Of?

Of happiness.

As if you know what happy is.

One day I’ll know.

And when will this day happen? Look around. If you keep on doing this you might not know what you have now till it’s gone.

Yes I do aware of that.

You’re not immortal.

I know about endings. I know it really well.

Then wherever you’re running to, you need to run faster, Kid.

I will.

And help yourself, stop wandering.

But not all those who wander are lost.

Then don’t get lost.

That’s why I need you.

That’s why we’re having this talk.

Yes.

Don’t get lost, Kid.

I hope so as well.

We are certainly going to have this talk again and you better come up with a good answer. I will keep asking. You can’t shut me up. You never will.

I know.

So, I’ll see you around.

Yeah, see you around.

 

She’s still there. Her voice, somehow, still emotionless. Her fists are still clenched. I took a deep breath, looking into her eyes. The girl in the mirror stares back, standing there, waiting, steadily.

 

i

 

How did you fall? Can you get up at all?
Are you happy where you are, sleeping underneath the stars?
When it’s cold is it your hopes that keep you warm?
Where do they go and what do they do?
They’re walking on by, they’re looking at you.
– If That Were Me by Melanie C –

 

Because a dialogue with oneself is necessary, in order to keep one’s intact, safe and sane.

 

 

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