I used to believe that my happiness depends on my choices. I was wrong. My nurtured logic, my ego was plain wrong.
I was supposed to feel ecstatically happy that day. But I don’t. What went wrong?
I thought that was The Day, that I had waited for these years.
I was living in a dream-like state. I thought I was living my dream.
Nope. It was their dream.
And it was my choice to make their dream came true.
Not that I selfishly ungrateful, Mr.G. But I did not feel what I thought I should feel.
Show me the way. Send me signs.
I remember I promised You, Mr.G, not to ask You to stop this train. Therefore, I will not ask for it.
I know those smiles in their faces happened because of me.
And what I want now is that kind of smiles, in my face, in my own heart, in my own life.
Don’t stop the train, Mr.G … I linger for some more. I crave for some more. I pray for some more.
– i –
18 Oktober 2011, hari dimana pertanyaan masa kecil “aku mau jadi apa?” sudah terjawab.
18 Oktober 2011, hari dimana pertanyaan “sekarang aku mau apa?” muncul dan menunggu dijawab.
“So scared of getting older, I’m only good at being young. So I play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun. Had a talk with my old man, said help me understand, he said turn 68, you’ll renegotiate. Don’t stop this train, don’t for a minute change the place you’re in, don’t think I couldn’t ever understand, I tried my hand. Honestly we’ll never stop this train..” (Stop This Train by John Mayer)