To understand about this piece of writing, you need to understand that it is my dream to be a doctor but I’m sort of having identity crisis at the moment this piece is published.
Some people looked at their past and say “I’m on the right track.” What they had planned several years ago might work out today. At some point, back then, they must have asked this question frequently to themselves, “Am I on the right track?” and they finally got the answer “Yes, I think I am”.
I am twenty-two years old girl, with a lot of dreams to pursue and currently work as a medical intern under campus supervision in several hospitals. Me, personally haven’t answered myself, the question above.
I don’t know. Is it normal? I have no clue about where am I standing right now. Back when I was a sophomore I thought this could be it, the destination I’ve been dreaming about since my childhood. But during the processes, the struggle, I have to compromise with the stress –excessive stress- and my coping ability, so I found out that I still have no answer, nothing, nada.
What went wrong? I am the person that little innocent girl become. I am her. I am supposed to be where I am right now. But, then again, what went wrong? Why don’t I feel any excitement or any satisfaction at this point? All of sudden, it’s like I am being abducted by my childhood dream, being sucked into the fantasy of a young, independent female doctor.
I am living my innocent dream that turns out to be one of my regrets. I know, regrets are useless, they always destroy the current joy. But really, I do feel like that right now. And I have no idea what the hell is going on. I am driving blindfolded with the blind written “innocent dream”.
I know what I wanted. I know what makes me happy. Problem is, this is not it. This is what I am good at. This is what I’m capable of. But this is not what I want. Probably this is hormonal. I’m at my teen age and I should be dealing with angst, denials, tears, hopes and dreams. And I don’t like the outcome of it. I took an escape to Europe last year, and yes, it had widened my point of view. I live in big, huge, colorful world and I haven’t been around much. Suddenly, the little corner called the innocent childhood dream doesn’t feel comfy anymore. I want to step out of that zone. I want to take the risk. I want to have more adrenaline rush. I want to feel free. I want to be happy.
It’s not that I am ungrateful for who I am right now. There’s a big difference between ungrateful and switching passion. I know lots of people out there would kill for my position right now. I have this feeling about goals, targets and how to get them. That’s what I’m good at. I’m good at pursuing things. After I got it, the excitement disappears slowly. I’m a process-oriented person, not an end-product material.
If life is easy, then it would be boring, not exciting. And right now, I’m not excited. Perhaps, I should myself new goals. Perhaps. I don’t know. I still have a lot of things going on in my mind. Wild things. Things that are not me.
January 7th 2011. 7.54pm