Everything is kind of thrown backwards.
On my loyal-till-the-end footsteps, I tried my hand to rely on this stupid kind of placebo. Everything is a fake. The fog is unbelievably thick; we can no longer see our toes. I was being pushed away from my own clan. Those who I thought will ever support me. They just forget or maybe I was never cross their mind.

Simply and selfishly, I admit, this soul is trying hard to not believing everything was changing. I stay the same. I always did. All that I hope for was a glance or at least they have me in their mind. This dorm room seems getting smaller it makes me want to run away.

If I had another option, can I just run away?
Where I be the audience, not the star nor co-star.
I chose to scream in my silent sleeps and I whisper it out loud on my sight.
Can’t you see it?
I pushed myself to take that chance, to break free.
And now, I’m free, I am afraid that I am actually unbound to anyone. Deadly.
Wandering around to seek any bond I attached to is devastating.
I am weak and start losing my faith that I can do this by myself.
The fact, I don’t.

Thousand times I cried and felt confused what on earth will make this turn upside down where I can see myself laugh and enjoying every minute of life.
Where I can see myself, not imagining them.
Not just an imagination.
Vague, of course it does.
But, like I said just now, do I have another choice?
Maybe all these dreams and fragile hopes is my mechanism to keep myself warm.
A primary need to me self.
To survive and protect myself from hazardous things.
Well, it is warm.
But, it’s just temporary.
Only minutes from gone away for ever.
Then where and when can I find my permanent warmth?

I imagine if I can take a sneak peak on my future. Would it be diamonds that worth to fight for or will I just end up like another sad story a Mom told her daughter not to become one.

I put this venom on you.
As it is growing inside of me.
Maybe some day, some what, some time, I’ll find it through.
Don’t worry, when the time about to come,
I’ll know, then you’ll know,
cause I’ve told you so.


– i –


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